Reflections of a 22 year old

For those of you who didn't hear it; I left my internship at the bank. When I think about it, this has been a hard year for me with regard to career direction. Especially because when I graduated from school, I had all these plans and expectations. But lets just say, God was probably having a good laugh at my smooth sailing plan.

The internship was not a good fit for me. The constant crying, not growing, being frustrated, not learning. Every morning I got up, I prayed it would get better, because that's what they all said. But it became worse. One of the words of encouragement that i got over and over again was "Most of us are unhappy at our places of work, but we stick it out because its what we have to do". I guess I must be weaker than most because I just couldnt wake up every day in order to die for 8 hours and resurrect at 5pm. That was weighing me down. At the end of my first phase of the internship I decided to not stay on.

For me the struggle has been that I have different aspirations and goals. From the motivational speeches I would get while at the bank people would say "This is how CEOs started, work was hard for them too but they started small". I'd be thinking to myself that that's true, but what if I don't want to be a CEO? What if I want to be an entrepreneur who part time lecturers and stays home with her kids? Perhaps I'd have been more driven to put up with what was coming my way if I saw it as a means to an end. But I didn't. But then again what if I'm just lost and I really don't know what I want to do with my life. What if it's not in the Lords plan that I get married and have kids? What if I'm just a lost 22year old who doesn't know what she wants with her life? I am sure that is what most think.

I have spent most of this year taking care of the Baucham kids, that has been a great learning experience for me. It's been a highlight to my challenging year. Some days were hard, especially in the beginning because I went from having zero experience with kids to having 7 little ones. I saw it as a means to an end, I was determined and I've learnt so much in the months I've spent in the Bauchams home. I've been saving during the year because I would like to do my graduate studies next year. Saving money, buying different products and reselling them to make profit and get some entrepreneurial skills going.

Here I am today, writing this after crying on the bathroom floor cause y'all who know me know tears are never out of reach. It's almost the end of 2016. I feel lost. Over a year after graduation. Im not working towards becoming a CEO, I had the opportunity but I didn't want it. It's been hard knowing that the people who expect me to do 'more with my life' are clearly disappointed in me, it's evident in the way they disapprovingly look at me and in their speech. Most think little of my life decisions and I don't blame them. That's been hard.

It looks like school will not be happening next year. That is something I looked forward to all year. My decisions throughout the year were made with doing graduate school in 2017. I feel undone. I am the kind of person who always needs something to work towards. I am now panicking, wondering what next.

If like me, you feel lost too; maybe because you have different aspirations from your cultural norm and adults or loved ones expectations, unfortunately, I have no mountain moving advice. I wrote this to let you know that you're not alone. Just trust in God. Be grateful and faithful in the season you are in. Take a day at a time and see where it goes while you're on this earthly journey heavenwards.